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Delayed Roundtable

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We're a day late and a dollar short, but here's our response to the first roundtable of the pre-season, which started over at Fire Mark May:

Give the more zealous portion of your fanbase a religion. What's this cult following? Feel free to give the splitters a derogatory nickname.

Living on the east coast I am insulated them: the born-again and converts who take the form of bandwagon fans. As for naming them, perhaps the BMW Bandwagonistas, the Mercedes Mercenaries, or maybe The OC NewBoyz: those who weren't around or anointed in the BCE (Before Carroll Era) and are trying to make up for lost time with excessive displays of piety. The converts are always the worst, as they say.

Your biggest rival is in town, and College Gameday is coming....to your citaaaaaaay... Create a blatant corporate sellout promotion to appeal to the mass unwashed.

For the Notre Dame game, I think an obvious choice would be a Guinness / Pacifico Clara / Trojans cross marketing ploy. You get the healthy Irish brew (remember, Guinness is good for you!), the refreshing Mexican lager, and of course you get to co-opt the usual condom jokes. There's lots of upside here: we return to the civilized veneer of beer consumption in the stadium; everyone wins on the beer side of things; USC can host the world premier of the black and canelo pint; if you're too drunk to fuck (as Jello Biafra used to sing) and the condoms are of no use, you'll be too far gone to care; and, the ND undergrads can take the condoms home for water balloon fights or whatever it is they use condoms for... since they claim the campus is sorely lacking in the beast-with-two-backs department.

Add one local delicacy to your stadium's concessions. Post-tax pricing is optional.

Others may disagree, but I would like a Double-double at half time to help take the edge off any black and canelo consumption.

With an unlimited AD budget, add or subtract one thing to your school's gameday experience that has nothing to do with football.

Valet parking for a start. As for pomp and spectacle, I'd like to see the team to be transported into the Coliseum on Indian elephants decked out like the Jaipur Elephant Festival. I know it's not strictly Trojan-themed, but I think it adds that "Hannibal descending from the Alps" feel and would give a psychological edge over the competition.

Coin a hilariously unrealistic stereotype that you would like to "make stick" for this upcoming season.

Oregon State fans as suave, cosmopolitan fans with no interest in sheep. Arizona State coeds as blushing bashful bobby-soxers who carry laminated virginity pledges and behave accordingly.

Redesign your conference or independent schedule with reckless abandon. Be prepared to include compensation for jilted schools and conferences in your explanation.

Arizona, Stanford, and Oregon State are out. Boise State comes in to replace Oregon State, partly for the explosion of offensive hottness, and partly because Boise is nicer than Corvallis (so I'm told, although my source is a tad biased against Oregon State). No replacements for Arizona and Stanford, so that we 1) do not have to listen to Harbaugh's yap, and 2) have more room for decent out of conference games. (Have to make up for Idaho State somehow).

I'd nominate Alabama to be the first OOC addition (they can surely drop one of Houston, Mississippi State, or Louisiana Monroe) because the hater-iffic quotient would be too high to be missed: there's something for everyone to loath in that game. The second OOC nominee should be something a little more restful, like Auburn or Clemson, or possibly running the brain-eating zombie gauntlet at Penn State.

Following up on your new realignment, blow up the BCS and devise a national playoff system, money grabs and missed exams be damned. Using your new fantasy conferences is optional.

The winner of each of the conferences get seeded into an elimination playoff - mid-majors included as needed to make the numbers up. Last team left standing is the actual National Champion.

Elect one public figure to replace NCAA president Myles Brand. Anyone with proper name recognition is eligible.

Well, we need someone who is reasonably personable and can at least appear sincere while selling a complete load of nonsense or defending the indefensible. Given that there doesn't seem to be a requirement to understand anything about college football, I hear that Tony Blair is in need of gainful employment and I think that he might be a good choice. If he can manage to keep patience with Ian Paisley and Gerry Adams, he's got some qualification to cope with the Alabama and Auburn fans.