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It's Mr. Holtz for Mr. Weis...

Periodically Lou Holtz overcomes the aggravation of sitting next to Mark Mays, and of having to be gracious about USC, with a misty-eyed soliloquy of what his team pre-game speech would be, which is interesting in sort of a Sunset Boulevard ready-for-my-closeup-Mr. DeMille kind of way. What I have never seen, however, is an example of his angry-old-man ranting at kids on the lawn - or I hadn't before today.

As it turns out, Conquest Chronicles is able to reveal the existence of a very rare example of Holtz's other coach-speaking skill, the post-game ass-chewing, overheard late Saturday at WWL HQ in Bristol CT, transcribed, and smuggled out like samizdat on splintery toilet paper:

What the hell wasth that, Weisth? Are you trying to get me to sthtroke out on live goddam televisthion? It'th bad enough that I thit next to that jack-assth Maysth all day Thaturday, without your players thtinking it up in goddam primetime! You'd better get that fat assth of yoursth out on the goddam road and make thome recruiting callsth... that jackassth Pete Carroll -- I'm tired of pretending to like him just becausth I can't deny he worked for me at Arkansthaw -- he theemsth to get kidsth to sign on becausth they get to play... any running back hasth to figure that he'th going to get more time than those Sthallieth I thaw pretending to run the goddam ball tonight! Exthept for that one good looking kid that usthually throwsth the ball, he wasth pretty good.

I don't know how much more time I can buy you with all the leakth about "housthing programth" and Trojan recruiting violationsth... I thought for thure that I could get goddam John Papadakisth nailed but it turnsth out that Mylesth "Mousthakka for Brainsth" Brand doethn't give a thit about trying to buy off kidth with thome thteakth and thpanikopita... Maybe I thouldn't be surprised, that ith thome damn good thpanikopita... Where wath I?

Oh yeth: so Geniusth Boy, get your assth out of the hotel and thtay away from In-n-Out, you've got thome work to do before I crack and pull Mark Maysth goddam esthophaguth out of his utheless goddam throat... it might free up thome room for the Pete Carroll - Booty thwordfight he'th hothting right now...

Don't piss off a cranky old man who happens to be a legendary predecessor. You think you know people because you're from Jersey, Coach Weis? Holtz knows people, people who have forgotten about more bodies than you can imagine, and they're untouchable by virtue of anonymity and cassock.* Willingham acts like he's all right now, with cheap northwestern greens fees and frozen pizza commercials, but you know he's sweating every time he turns on the ignition in his car. And saying a novena or two won't help, Ty. I hope for Coach Weis' sake that he's figuring out that you anger Sweet Lou at your peril.

*Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!