Pac-12 Network: 12 Original USC Trojan Programs

It is the little things that inflate our hefty Trojan egos these days. Cherry Passion Tic Tacs emulating school colors. Being ranked No. 24 in the AP Poll rather than assuming we're no worse than No. 26. This circus scrimmage touchdown reception by a second-or-ninth-string wide receiver:

2013 USC Fall Scrimmage #2 - Aaron Minor Catch (via USCAthletics)

Nothing, however, brings me more immense joy lately than the emails from the USC Athletic Department I still discover in my expired student inbox.

Pat Haden's latest message to the Trojan Family as of this past Friday is in reference to the Pac-12 Network, or lack thereof if you have DirecTV or any other non-carrying TV provider. Our athletic director is officially the unofficial spokesperson for Time Warner Cable, foretelling that either he will soon be convicted in some drug or sex scandal as a newly endorsed celebrity, or UCLA will complain that the television spots we are unable to see are offensive to the existence of UCLA and they'll consequently be discontinued anyway.

Amongst all of the blahs and Charlie Brown babble and inebriated female cries outside the apartment window (my nighttime soundtrack during my junior year), what I was essentially able to deduct from the encrypted code is as follows:

If you can't watch the Pac-12 Network, there's nothing we can do about it aside from reminding you that you can't watch the Pac-12 Network...consume this product because everything about the amateur NCAA revolves around consumerism...underneath our arrogant exterior that regularly sunbathes in former glory days is a distilled personality that misses Pete Carroll...if you're looking for marshmallows, there are none, but we still love you...

Classic satire from the entertainment capital of the world.

Dubiously living in New Jersey, I am only susceptible to nationally televised USC games as a DirecTV customer. If biting at the bait is the issue, then the Italian Trojan has a suggestion - original programming. If my old age doesn't deceive me, I believe they're quite fond of their film school over there, so this can practically happen.

So grab your twelve-packs, alert the freakin' FCC, and let's see what it says in the Guide:

1) The All-Nighter with Pat Haden

Testimonial: Pat Haden of USC (via Pac-12 Conference)

Commissioner Larry Scott can be the Paul Shaffer of the talk show, and they'll do Top-Ten Lists of things we already know, followed by 58 minutes of them just staring into each other's eyes.

2) Arrogant Knocks

It's essentially porn for the media we've recently padlocked out of practices, and for the fans who wish to sit in on Fall Camp during the summers. Of course, Honey Boo Boo-esque subtitles would be mandated in order to guess what Coach Kiffin is actually saying or thinking.

3) The Muffin Man Who Lives With Dreary Lane


An Odd Couple sitcom that is bound to crack a smile on Lane's face by the season finale, if for no reason other than discovering gumdrop buttons in his visor.

4) Extreme Makeover: Dorm Edition

The reality giveaway is hosted by Reggie Bush, and it shall be interrupted by infomercials more frequently than Hulu Plus.

5) Celebrity Apprehension

The likes of Will Ferrell, Snoop Dogg, Henry Winkler, and George Lopez can compete over the title of Sideline Apprentice, while Gary Busey occasionally Travelers by yelping the fight song.

6) MTV - Mass Text Vomiting

I used to know some of these people as promising actors.

"Mass Text" - Tay Allyn- Official Music Video (via Tay Allyn)

I'm hoping this elevates to "Friday" status, because it deserves to be ridiculed every day of the week.

7) Victor-Glee

Rather than battling over the starting quarterback role, popular jocks Max Wittek and Cody Kessler are more concerned with Sectionals and making the Trojan Marching Band. Meanwhile, Ground Zero milkshakes are splashed into the eyes of a Song Girl every time "Stiff for Kiff" attempts a fourth down or two-point conversion.

8) Field of Stabbing

USC Trojan Sword Time (via RoseWeb2.0)

Tommy Trojan makes a Jackass out of himself as he terrorizes the Bruins' stadium time after time, and yet he's still around for the Final Rose Bowl Ceremony.

9) Disneyland


Take a page out of Walt's sketch pad, USC and fellow conference dwellers - World of Color never fails to meet its lofty expectations.

10) WR ER


With cameos from John Travolta an Jake Gyllenhaal, add an Emmy to Marqise Lee's trophy case for being the only player in collegiate history to claim the Heisman Trophy whilst playing in a bubble.

11) O.J. Simpson's Prison Break

One inevitable subplot is Silas Redd's re-encounter with Jerry Sandusky.

12) Pancake Blocks

Starring the Italian Trojan...except dissimilarly to Guy Fieri, every episode would visit Jacks N Joe.

It isn't a perfect idea, but I don't see you doing anything about it, and that is what grinds my gears.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Conquest Chronicles' writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Conquest Chronicles' writers or editors.

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