Behold the L.A. street dog - the city's ceremonial "heart attack on a bun" - a frankfurter quite possibly in danger of being made by and/or from actual Snoop Dogg and celebrity company.
The Danger Dog is padded with bacon and models a jersey coated with onions, peppers, jalapeños, and the-whole-nine-yards-before-going-for-it-on-fourth-down condiments of your choosing.
The Italian Trojan has neither had the pleasure nor the nausea of experiencing this downtown staple of nonprofessional tailgating. Diagnoses of gastritis and esophagitis, gluten-free health nuts dry heaving common sense down my neck, and an irrational yet appropriate fear of street vendors all impeded me from four seasons on the hot seat.
Friends and fellow Trojans have assured me the taste is worth the trauma. You know every Song Girl is initiated by eating one. Give a homeless man a leftover dollar from a pizza run and he'll be sure to rave about the Danger Dog as he follows you and your father down Figueroa before asking if he and his pillow-eating pregnant girlfriend can rent a fraction of your dorm room. Sometimes I truly wish I was fiction-writing, but anyway, for the locals it is an inconsequential delicacy.
There is still an eerie feeling of illegality, though, as you procure this blanketed pig from who I can now believe to be Anthony Bosch in his Biogenesis cart next to guy singing about Jesus Christ and Elvis Presley joining the A-Team or something to that effect. Various nutrition activists have fervently attempted to take the beast down, but to no avail as the snacks arrogantly remain outside of the Coliseum. Now they just need to be autographed and the NCAA will sanction us for selling them in the blackened market, and then turn them into milk money all for themselves.
Let's not get bacon-wrapped up in hype and tradition - proceed towards the Danger Dog with extreme caution, particularly the football team. Unhealthy cockiness amidst fatty expectations tend to repeat on us year after year, and people are what they eat. In case there is quicksand in California's quinoa judgment, hot dogs dipped in avocado and Pepto Bismol aren't even remotely robust. Marqise Lee did not suffer a bone bruise in his shoulder...he endured preemptive cardiac arrest from smelling the gurgling grill outside of the practice facility with obnoxious reporters.
We need to be more careful. Without serving our school spirit to prom night dumpster babies, it is time to rectify our spotty play-calling before bubble screens burst our appendices and we're 7-6 again. There at least needs to be a smarter compromise...start the meal with a leafy green salad, and then stop!
I call it Pericolo Cane Caprese (I've failed to retain the majority of my Spanish education):
-The offensive line needs to block better. A lot of the blame for unprecedented offensive woes rests upon a very hot pocket, but the adjustments made along the trenches even throughout camp appear to be paying off, with Chad Wheeler impressively filling in at left tackle while returning Aundrey Walker tests right guard. The Danger Dog should follow suit, and is thereby protected with lettuce. It's simple enough for Lane Kiffin to...wait, iceberg or arugula? He may need some more ad-visor-y on this one.
-Tackling must improve. The defense is redefining its physical edge, so as far as this "meat" is concerned, there are several anatomical alternatives. While sausage doesn't exactly propose a convincing caloric advantage, it is a safer bet that you are not devouring Shark Week or some other foreign and socially unacceptable substance. Chicken or turkey dogs' barks bode better than their bites, as well.
-Focus on one game at a time. Non-peripheral preparation and minimal attention paid to the media is essential in 2013. Technically speaking, Bill Lumbergh says that if you could avoid the barbecue in exchange for the broiler, that would be great. So long as the sausage is not cut and fried in olive oil, however, I think there's space for grilling in this recipe if need be. Stick to the game plan and adorn with vegetables in consistent fashion as one onion...I mean union.
-Employ versatility in the backfield. We have a platoon of ingredients in our pantry, from seasoned veteran Silas Redd to raw veggies Justin Davis and Tre Madden, so let's run with them. Red and yellow bell peppers are less bitter and more maturely enriching than their green counterparts, not to mention the fact that they adhere to the cardinal-n-gold heritage. Add mozzarella and tomato for further authenticity, and sprinkle bits of turkey bacon - or rather a less smoky pancetta - on top. Croutons are optional, if one of our 17 promising quarterbacks can make that pitch.
-Special Teams...continue to ignore the punter and drown this beauty in marinara sauce.
Perhaps my Italian roots got the better of me here in fourth quarter, but at least this variation on the Danger Dog should ensure Traveler's good behavior on the field.
Two Pancake Blocks in and I have yet to use the term "butt-fumble", so let's keep it that way.