AP - Los Angeles, CA, April 1, 2008

USC Head Coach Pete Carroll reacted sadly to the news that retired coach and EPSN prestidigitator Lou Holtz is in critical condition in a hospital in Tallahassee, Florida.

Holtz was rushed to Tallahassee Memorial in the wake of a fight with a chimpanzee named Steve, a fight which also resulted in the loss of an eye for stagehand Bill Jeffers and what was described by a shaken paramedic as "severe moob laceration" for FSU Linebacker coach Chuck Amato.

Amato apparently suffered the lacerations when the "man's corset" he was wearing was torn off by Holtz, who attempted to use it to garrote the attacking chimp.

Carroll was visibly shaken at the mayhem involving his former Head Coach at the University of Arkansas. "We all remember Lou and Steve, they were like the BJ and the Bear of Fayetteville. We never really understood what Lou was up to with Steve, but we knew that Steve took a beating most weekends.

"Me and the other assistants, we tried to teach Steve how to sign some plays just to cheer him up during the week. We were all completely jacked when he pulled together a couple of different calls and signed "Trips Right Z-Short 12 Track F-Seal" - man, I still use that call today, because you have to respect that kind of simian wisdom.

"But Steve disappeared soon after that - Lou told us that he had been kidnapped because some boosters heard that Steve was trying to introduce the forward pass... hell, if you'd worked down there you'd have believed it too... those people feel fear man, and it makes them crazy."

Carroll revealed that he had actually seen Steve several days ago during a Trojan spring practice session. "I couldn't believe it when Steve rolled in - it was like nothing had changed at first, but after about an hour he started getting all whacked out and tried to bite my man Ricky when Ricky was handing him some Gatorade. Rey Maualuga was right there and he just leveled Steve, Steve got back up for more, Rey gave him a clothesline, Steve just wouldn't quit. Eventually Rey and Cush [linebacker Brian Cushing] pinned Steve, and Dave Buehler punted him out of the field.... that was a hell of a kick, with a moving target and everything. Anyway, that was the last I saw of him."

Carroll plainly holds himself partly responsible for today's attack. "I tried calling Lou to let him know that he needed to watch his back but all I got was static on his home voicemail, and when I tried calling Mark May at ESPN all I heard was kind of a strange drooling and licking sound."

Doctors at Tallahassee Memorial are cautiously optimistic that they can save Coach Holtz. Steve remains at large this evening, the subject of a 3 state chimp-hunt.